I've been reflecting a lot lately. I was at a point of being lost and almost burning out. But praise God, he made me suffer and abandon even good things to desire him.
I was really bugged by the lack of strength in my life. I don't know how to put it into words, but to put it simply it's a mismatch between what I want to do with what I am able to do.
It's a complex paradox within myself.
I want to do more evangelism, but fear grips me.
I want to be more honest and open with people, but fear of offending them grips me.
I want to encourage others more and spend more time building relationships, but laziness and fear stops me from doing so.
I am constantly at war with myself. And it's excruciatingly painful. I wanted to die.
But through all this pain God reminded me these things are good but not the best.
The nemesis of what is the best is at times what is good.
I was focused on doing and not being.
I neglected prayer and eating God's word.
I was trying to use my own intellects to figure out what God's word meant.
But what God desires is not what I do but a pure heart to seek him and to embrace him.
Jesus is the best.
I need to feast on him everyday like bread.
Forget about what I do and not do. I just want a pure heart to see my spiritual poverty and the immeasurable riches in Christ.
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