My testimony

Ever since I was a kid, I was afraid of getting sick. I liked to wander in my mind and think about the mysteries of life and death, thinking what it would be like to die. Of course, I could find no answer.

My father was angry and critical, because my grandpa was like that towards him. All the years of bitterness made him like that. He would dump his anger on my mom and I. As I grew up, I disliked, even hated my father, sometimes I wondered if I’m really loved, if everyone else was just as bitter and angry, if my life really had purpose.

One day when I was very small(maybe 4 or 5), mother came in to put me to sleep. She told me about a man named Jesus who was killed on the cross. She didn’t know why he had to die, nor do I know where she heard the story, so I felt sad for Jesus, thinking no one should die like that. Even though I didn’t know him, God burned this incident deep into my memory.

Life went on and we came to Canada in grade 4, I was very happy up until highschool, my dad was away in England, I made many friends. Around that time my mom and I started going to church because we thought it was the culture here.

I believe we went to a roman catholic church, naively taking communion. Someone from a Baptist church happened to be there are invited us to one of their meetings.

By God’s grace my mom came to know the Lord and was baptized. I would go to church with her on Sundays, but I did not care for the sermon nor for God. I went because I didn’t want her to feel bad.

Eventually, I thought I was a Christian because I belonged to a group, being a Christian was just fitting into a mold for me. I was baptized, but it was to please the pastor. I remember when we are to confess our sin, I couldn’t think of any. So I made up Buddhism. I was supposed to do a testimony, but I lied about it, because God did not work in me, my heart of stone still remains, I never heard the Gospel, yet no one told me the truth or questioned my life.

My relationship with my dad worsened, I yelled at him one time when I finally became fed up with all his bitterness. I stopped talking to him. I was addicted to pornography and all kinds of sexual sin, yet trying to appear to be good, because I thought a Christian was supposed to be a good, moral person, but you see, true goodness does not flow out of a heart of stone. I was like a beautiful casket. Life became bleak, I wasted all my days watching porn, playing video games and in entertainment.

It wasn’t until 2^nd year university, for some reason I went on a retreat with Hamilton Chinese Christian fellowship. They even let me serve on the worship team. I was so lost and so messed up, thinking I can basically offer God my service and he would accept me and help me out of my crappy life.

I remember the pastor speaking on Isaiah 64, how all our righteousness are filthy rags before God. I was shocked, wasn’t offended, but found it interesting because I never knew God was like that. Back in our rooms we did a bible study on 1 John, I guess the Isaiah passage really griped my attention, I became interested in the bible, I had a lot of questions about walking in the light and the darkness.

One brother took notice of this, and offered to meet up with me to pray and go through Basic Christianity by John Stott. I asked him a lot of questions, but mostly to trick him and feel intellectually superior.

But God was gracious and merciful, one day I woke up and felt his presence in my room, he made me realize my sins, I felt sad for all the hatred I had for others, I felt someone understood my pain, I felt forgiveness. I got up dumbfounded, I didn’t really know what happened back then. I wouldn’t say I was a Christian, but God was working in my life, even though odds were against me, he was determined to bring me home.

I went on mission trips, but was full of pride, my relationship with people was selfish, I still practiced sexual sin. I deceived myself, not knowing the truth and putting down clear warnings in the bible on continual sin. I was putting up a front before people and living a lie. The more I did it, the more judgmental I became with others. It wasn’t until 5^th year university where God made me question my supposed faith and salvation. After a period of severe depression, where God was tearing down all the walls of self-righteousness and pride, all the intellectual, theological knowledge that was puffing me up, I understood Jesus is the only way, he is the way, the truth, and the life, no one goes to God except through him. He died on the cross for my sins, for my inability, morally, spiritually to live up to the standards of God’s law. He brought me back to 1 John again, back to the familiar, yet foreign truths about darkness and light, truth and lie .That was when I truly understood God’s love, that even though I have sin, and I have sinned and messed up my life, there is an advocate before God, who is righteous, who bore my sin and the sins of the whole world. If we are willing to lay down our own efforts and simply come to Jesus, we will find life. That day, I went out with joy, truly, the old has gone, and the new has come. I couldn’t stop smiling because Jesus had freed me from my bondage to pornography and bitterness, my natural desire is no longer to hate and be judgmental, but to love others, when I see others, I no longer believe they are just as bitter as my dad, but everyone is God’s creation, precious, needing of love.

I’m not saying I am perfect, nor have my circumstances changed much, I still sin and struggle with temptation, but I have a Father in heaven who is perfect. Although my family and friends can disappoint sometimes, He works out all things for my good. Day by day, he transforms me into the likeness of Jesus, so that the world may see the works of his hands.